Emergency Preparedness

The first day after my retirement I got a burst of energy and set to cleaning out my car in preparation for the journey ahead. Once I got all the stuff out of the hatchback compartment, I decided to check my spare tire because, you know, shit happens. Pulled up the floor covering and found the tools for changing a flat tire. And no spare. But I noticed that the tools were housed in what appeared to be a plastic shell, so I thought perhaps the spare was below. Tried to lift the shell, but it wouldn’t budge. I wasn’t sure it was meant to be removable and didn’t want to risk breaking it, so I decided to leave it. I had an appointment scheduled for the following week to have my car serviced, so I figured I could ask someone in the shop to show me how to access the tire. I actually felt pretty good about discovering all this now, before I got on the road and into a difficult situation.

Turns out I was right–shit happens. The next day I was out doing errands when I heard a familiar sound. Found a safe place to pull over and discovered that I had a flat tire. After taking a moment to appreciate the elegant timing, coming on the heels of discovering that I didn’t know whether I had a spare, I grounded and centered myself (seriously–first rule of survival: remain calm). I called my son to help me stay centered, then contacted my insurance company to get roadside assistance. While I was waiting, I returned to the rear compartment and managed to pull out the plastic shell with the tools to confirm that I did, in fact, have a spare tire.

The guy who came out from roadside assistance showed me that I had picked up a nail, and he was able to fix the tire on the spot. I was back on my way in less that an hour, marveling at the way the Universe arranged for me to discover some gaps in my emergency preparedness plan. Here’s some things I learned:

1. Don’t leave home without water. Even for short trips. You never know!
2. Make sure my roadside service plan covers me when I’m traveling out of town.
3. I need a few more items in my emergency kit.

When I took my car into the mechanic, it turned out that I had not 1, but 3 nail holes in 2 tires. So, now I’m saving up for a new set of tires before the longer journey begins. Fortunately, I have both time and some side gigs that will make saving up possible.

Some blessings come in surprising packages.

Grow 2.0

I began this blog almost 7 years ago at an important crossroads. In the midst of the unmaking of my life, as I faced the prospect of giving up my home, I considered traveling around the country living in my car. A different path appeared at that time when I answered the call to become a hospice chaplain. It is a path I am deeply grateful to have walked, one filled with grace and blessings.

I’ve come to the end of that path this week and am now preparing to embark on a new path. I’m answering a deep call to live more simply, to explore, to connect with the unbuilt world, and to spend time with people I rarely get to see because we live so far apart. I want to see the Milky Way, to walk in the woods, to listen to waves and rushing water.

I want to be a shining example of what is possible.

She’s walking into her pain

Life has presented me with another opportunity to journey into my own depths so that I can grow and learn. As I crossed that threshold yet again, a beloved friend sent me a link to this post. It is changing the way I have been experiencing the descent. May any who read this find comfort for their own journey.

Joyous Woman! with Sukhvinder Sircar

The Feminine is finally meeting her pain respectfully. Her pain is her oldest teacher. Also the one she’s avoided facing at all costs. Finally, she’s putting her attention there. It is specially hard to stay fully present in it, and not run away.

Her sankalpa is to shift her consciousness. It is coming from a space that is larger than her contractions. Her practice is to continue to breathe into her ‘not knowing’. Slowly, as she experiences her dark, agonising spaces without resistance, it begins to take her through the dark alleys of lifetime after lifetime of victim/aggressor responses. She walks through walls after walls of defences, the lamp of her sacred intent her only companion.

And at the end of the tunnel, she meets love. Intense, blinding, golden, shimmering love. She melts into it.

On her journey back, she brings as much of this love as she needs, and…

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“Thank you terror.”

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.

Epictetus

For the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a gratitude practice as a way of shifting my attention away from the things I lack (that road leads to hell I’ve discovered) and onto the rich abundance that’s in my life right now. Doing this practice has been a great antidote to the anxiety that can roll in like a tsunami and sweep me out to sea. When I stay aware of all the things I have to be grateful for, I am in touch with my own resourcefulness and better equipped to face my FGOs.

I took advantage of the abundance of free time I now have (see, that’s something to be grateful for) and went to a nearby beach for a couple of hours. Not wanting to spend money on a day pass, I set up my blanket and chair just outside the fenced-off area under the shade of a fir tree with a view of the lake. Here’s the list of things I found to be grateful for in that mini-vacation:

• the cedar waxwing I watched in the tree limbs overhead
• learning how to identify a cedar waxwing just the day before from my friend Laurie
• having easy access to Lake Michigan from my home
• enough free time to make 2 visits to the lakefront in the same day
• the song of a robin in a nearby tree
• the ability to hear and see these birds
• the shade of the fir tree
• the moderate temperature that made for a pleasant afternoon.

I’m curious to learn what the impact will be as I continue to do this practice. What does your gratitude list look like today?

Taking Tea with My Demons

No sooner did I write my first post on this blog when my demons came calling. Their visits are never unexpected–they arrive whenever I venture into new territory–but they haven’t been staying quite so long when they’ve arrived these past few years. One or two days, tops.   This stay has lasted nearly two months! And let me say, they are demanding house guests.

I first encountered the idea of “taking tea with demons” when I read Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance. The demons are those parts of ourselves that we try to ignore, push through, or run from, the parts we demonize. My demons include Fear who frequently shrieks, “You have to find a job or you’ll starve,” Doubt whose constant litany includes, “You have nothing new to say” and “Who’s going to hire you,” and Shame whose comments are too provocative for me to post on the Internet for the world to read.

The way I take tea with my demons is to first invite them into my awareness and acknowledge their presence. I listen carefully to the messages they bring me, because after all they are going to so much trouble to get my attention. Sometimes I write about them in my journal; sometimes I take them out for long walks to the lakefront or in the woods. I frequently talk with my friends about them. Throughout their visit, I try to stay mindful and practice loving kindness. I learn what I can about my childhood scripts, worn out beliefs, and other habits of thinking that need to be freshened up.

These practices usually satisfy the demons, so that they leave in a matter of days if not  hours. But not this time. The growth opportunities I’ve been experiencing this year have provided especially fertile ground for demon visits. The good news is that the visits have moved my self-care practices to a new level of rigor (and I thought that working with emotionally disturbed teenagers was demanding!) I’m getting plenty of opportunities to challenge my own limitations and to heal.

Now, excuse me while I go boil some more water.

Up and at ’em, girlfriend!

2012 has officially kicked me in the butt. In very short order (1 month to be exact), I lost my job and my home, and I got the news that I need over $10K in dental work. Whew! Yes, FGOs* ‘R Us.

As my df Elizabeth says, “It’s not my first day at the rodeo.” I pride myself on being able to look an FGO right in the eye and laugh. Sometimes I puke afterwards and curl up in a fetal ball, but I do laugh. (NB: A sense of humor is a key resilience factor).

Now that I’ve gotten past the initial shock of all these game-changers, I’m looking at the road ahead of me and taking stock of my situation. I’ve been spending some time researching topics like “Thriving in the New Economy” and resilience traits, and brushing up on my coping skills for managing anxiety. I love researching topics (once a college girl, always a college girl?) and even more, I love sharing what I learn with others. Just ask any of my friends; they’ll tell you that if they bring a problem to me, I always have a book to recommend.

So, that’s what this blog is all about: using my FGOs to learn, grow, and share. I hope you’ll join me on the journey. It should be good for a few laughs and the occasional book recommendation.

Now help me out here, “What’s your most successful strategy for surviving an FGO?”

* For the uninitiated, FGO=F***ing Growth Opportunity.